First step is to realise

– Are you happy doing this job? – asks Chris from security, the one who runs boxing classes.

Not really – I reply. It shows. You hardly ever smile. You often look sad – he says.

I sigh. I think It shows. Again somone noticed.

– But you have to do something – adds Chris, means you must have a job.

After that we walk together a few more steps through the corridor, talking about box, and that he has a fight coming. We split by staff changing rooms, he enters the male one, I go a bit further to the ladies’.

Every single day I spend there is wasted, every minute I am not spending under the sun, among greenery is wasted. At work looking through the window at the sun I think my life is passing me by, my life is running away from me. Despite that I strenuously and insistently keep holding on to that job. I am afraid they will sack me becouse I am not smiling enough – and in any customer service related job, smile is everything, you can get away with murder if customers like you. And why I am not smiling enough is because I hate this job. Vicious circle. I was fired from quite a few similar jobs, similar places, but I stubbornly keep coming back like a bumerang. Kicking and punching I try to break down the door to get into the room inside which there are people – and inside which room – I don’t want to be with.

A few days ago I thought that these people who I don’t like and who don’t like me – because I am such a serious girl who’s not smiled – would think different of me if they knew me privately, if they could see me happy in the green of trees, tranquil. I would be smiled then and they would think She is different han we thought. My best defence against this place is realisation that I am truly not the person I seem to be. When I wear my uniform this isn’t really me, this is someone else. It is a grumpy, dissatisfied, sad, disappointed, simple girl who is a stranger to me. Well… maybe not exactly a stranger because I do know her, but it is somebody I don’t like to be around. The Real Me comes out after I’ve left the building,the Real Me is among the nature, Real Me loves books, Real Me has a weird views on different things, she is intelligent, clever, full of dreams.

And At the end I want to tell you all what a bad idea it is to tell your child, your daughter or son who doesn’t like maths, for example, or washing dishes You must start to like it! You must like it otherwise your life will be hard. You have to like it because no one will do it for you. Or You have to be strong! It teaches them that they can ignore their feelings, that how they feel about something means nothing. They scream Noooo inside, but they do it because they have to. Then grows a strong girl who hates washing up or hates her job, but she has to force herself to like it, because she has to work, or else her life will be hard, because no one will do it for her. It might be better sometimes to let yourself to be weak, to quit easily if something doesn’t appeal to you, doesn’t give you satisfaction and fulfillment. At least you don’t waste time on “carrying that cross”, time you could use to discover your true passions, to do what you love.

Can you start liking to eat something that smells and looks horrible to you? Is it possible to take a liking to someone who treats you badly, who is disrespectful or rude? Can you tell yourself “oh, I’ll eat, I’ll eat a little bit, little bit more, for sure I will like it”? Or “this is just the way he is, I’ll spend some more time with him, I will learn how to like him”. Wasn’t the latter told to a lot of women – long time (I hope) ago?

Like I would run away from a violent marriage, I plan to run away from this dull, tiresome job. Something open my eyes yesterday. If you have a problem with a bully at work or with a general toxic workplace, you want to know how to recognize it, have a look here: http://www.kickbully.com/

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