Somewhere between relief and pangs of consience

In one of my previous posts (here) I wrote about stress and I mentioned I was going to see my GP about it. And I did today.

My day has been generally ok, no arguments with manager, only one manager on the shift, and I had a separate task assigned for today (delivering hospitality to the meeting rooms) so I missed normal rush around breakfast and early lunch time, so my mood was ok. I was feeling happy when I finished my shift (I am always happy or at least relieved) and when I walked through leafy alley to my surgery.

But as soon as I started talking to my doctor fo how I feel, how intimidating my manager is, how much chaos he creates in my private life (rota, holiday requests etc), of how disorganized this place is, how we all are constantly being pushed around, expected to do three things at the same time, of how tired I feel, my tears started running down my cheeks. This isn’t like me! – I thought and I told her so. She signed me off work for almost two weeks – till the end of next week and advised me on some books related to stress.

How big is the relief I feel!!! I make plans: I am going to get up early, shop and cook, I will take time for my newest hobby, it will be a great time! Then I try to cool off – It’s only two weeks, not two months, it’s not that long – I tell myself. I start to think how it changes my situation – now that  I have black on white, on paper that I am stress I can use it. I can call HR, prove them that this man is making me sick and ask them, or even demand – to solve this situation. This is not what I get paid for. I understand that in a busy environment like my workplace, where there is over 1000 of people every day to serve, all of them with their own problems and attitudes, there will be stress. But being treated unfair, badly, being spoken to in a rude way by a manager isn’t part of it.

From the other side come accusations: You are not strong enough, you are like a little kid going “mommy, mommy, he is shouting at me, he doesn’t wanna play with me’. Or You are doing it deliberately, to get a few days off, to call HR, to stir the shit.

But the tears I’ve cried first when speaking to my doctor on the phone and today face to face weren’t fake. I was feeling very low. And scared. My colleague and friend Beverly says that these tears come simply because someone listens to you, someone cares. So I am going to use this time to rest, to “find some joy”, as my doc said.

Maybe I will also post some of my drawings, to make it more like a comic book 🙂

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