On my limit. Wall.

I hardly control myself. Hardly. Millimeters separate me from being unpleasant, rude. Sometimes I even brush against it… For example: two situations. First – a customer came to the till to pay for chips. He said he paid for the rest of the stuff he had and showed me a receipt from a card machine. And then I said: This receipt doesn’t show what you paid for anyway. It just came out. Ooh, ok – was his reply. He pissed me off, I’ve lost it. He kept shoving me that bloody receipt like I was questioning his version, like I didn’t believe him. And to be honest, I didn’t give a shit at that moment if he paid or he didn’t. It is non of my business to check him. Second situation: a guy was buying an Americano, black. I made him a fresh one, I never use old shots of coffee. Fresh coffee made so-called crema on the surface – a sign of freshness, it goes off after a minute or two. He saw the coffee and with a reluctance in his voice he asked why it had such a color, he didn’t want with milk, he wanted black, why is it so light in color?!  J. helped me a little bit here. But still, I got pissed off. He’s not happy with a fresh coffee. Like he never had a coffee before. Or like he got a fresh one for the first time in his life…

Air conditioning is not working. Always around 6pm it goes off. Fumes from boiling oil hover all over the restaurant, I look around and it is like I was looking through a fog. Everything is milky. I breathe it in and out for one hour, till I get a pounding headache, till everything around me spins and I have to escape for few minutes to the changing room, to wet my face, my neck my arms with water to cool off.

Feeling like that, how the fuck can I keep smiling to these idiots, when everything is always wrong? This is the worst thing about this job. It doesn’t matter how hard you work (I can’t work any harder), how much you give off yourself, how many extra miles you walk with no water, exhausted, crawling – it doesn’t make a difference. Everybody is still unhappy. Managers. Supervisors, colleagues, customers. You tear your guts out and still, nothing is right, everything is wrong. All blissful energy is sucked out and wasted. Good energy, glittering, glowing energy. I am drowning in a river of toxic waste.

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